Rurouni Bishonen : Saitou's 34th Birthday
by Midori-chan
Summary: Wah! Saitou's turning 34, and Okita is planning him a *surprise* birthday party! Unfortunately, things don't turn out like poor Okita planned... *contains insanity, drunken-ness, and a lactose-free ice cream bumbleberry cake with lavender icing* ^__^


Disclaimer : I do not own RK characters, I just use them to mess with their minds^-^.  They are all copyrighted by their respective owner, and my insanity is copyrighted by ME!  Enjoy!

Okay, okay!  Who's ever heard of Rurouni Kenshin?

Soujiro *flails hands*  Oooo!  Ooooo!  I have!  I have!

…-_-;;; Not you, Soujiro.

Shishio I have.  *raises hand casually*

^-^;;;;; …right… *claps hand to face* …anyway.  I was pondering the name…Rurouni Kenshin.  "Wandering Kenshin."  Hmmm.  Not a very fitting name, since the way I see it, in RK, there's more I like about the pretty boys than just solely the fact that Kenshin's a wanderer.  So!  I bring you my lovely insane fic arc…

Rurouni Bishonen "Wandering Pretty Boy" 

^__^!  Hahahaha!  Yaay!  But…this insane fic thingie will be in a different format than most stories.  Most stories are done like this :

"Quote," said the man.

This fic will be presented as such :

Man Quote.

Well, there you go!  And now, with no further ado, I present the first fic in the arc…

Rurouni Bishonen : Saitou's 34th Birthday

_2 days before.  Souji Okita is sitting cross-legged beside a tree.  Suddenly, his eyes open wide._

Okita Ooh!  Saitou-san's birthday is in two days…Hmmm… *looks around suspiciously*  Hmmmmmmm… *raises a finger*  Ah!  I know!  I'll plan a surprise birthday party for him!  Great!  *runs off*

Kaoru's dojo, where Kenshin and Sanosuke are outside doing laundry.  No one else is there.  Okita waves at the entrance of the dojo.

Okita *grin grin* Hello there, Battousai!

Kenshin Oroo?  *peers over at Okita*

Okita *waves and grins*

Sano …rrrrrrr…who are you, and what do you want?  *grits his teeth, and hangs up a sock*

Kenshin Sano!  What's gotten into you??

Sano *grumble* …I ran out of underwear and I had to use Kaoru's… *mutter*

Kenshin *big eyes*  o___o; …oh…um…

Sano See?!?!?!  *shows Kenshin his pair of pink, lacy, thong underwear*  I checked your room, but there was none!  Where do you keep your underwear, Kenshin?!?!

Kenshin *bigger eyes* O____O;;;;; ……uuuummmm……I…I don't wear underwear…

Sano WHA~AATT?!?!?  *large sweatdrop*  How do you—

Okita *calling*  I'm sorry to interrupt you, Battousai…but…I have a request of you!

Kenshin *big sweatdrop* …S-Sure.  Come in.

Sano *glares at Okita* hrrrrr…

Okita *smiles nervously, and walks over to Kenshin and Sano* ^^;;  um…

Kenshin *gasp*  A…A Shinsengumi outfit?

Sano *poses into a fighting stance the best he can manage with his… ::cough cough:: underwear…*  You!  If you're here to hurt Kenshin, I'll…

Okita *smiles and raises a hand in submission*  It's all right.  I'm not here to fight.  *suddenly coughs, and steps far away from Kenshin and Sano*

Kenshin *blink*  …you're Souji Okita? …

Okita *grin*  That's right!

Kenshin *blink blink*  But you're dead.  How can that be?

Okita *shrugs*  Hey, this is an insane fic!  Anything can happen!  *grin grin*

Sano GRRRRRRRRRR…DARN YOU, INSANE FIC WRITER!!!  YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME WEAR KAORU'S LACY THONG UNDERWEAR!!!  *shakes fist at sky*

Okita O______O;;;;;; *big stare and sweatdrop*  ah…

Kenshin *smiles nervously*  Uh…what was it you wanted to say?

Sano *continues his diatribe at the sky while Okita and Kenshin talk on the side*

Okita In two days it's Saitou-san's birthday!  I want to plan a surprise birthday party for him!  Will you come?

Kenshin *sweatdrop*  um.  I don't think Saitou would like me at his birthday party.

Okita *grin grin*  Nonsense!  Saitou-san's the best!  I even made a song about him!  *takes a piece of paper out of a random pocket and unfolds it*  Okay!  Here goes… *clears his throat and begins to sing*

//Saitou-san, Saitou-san,//

//He's our bestest Shinsengumi man//

//With his cute little bangs and eyes that glow,//

//He's the coolest sword-wielding guy I know!//

*finishes with a big grin*

Sano *stops talking to the sky and stares at Okita* …

Kenshin *many, many, many sweatdrops* O_O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; *a long silence follows, before Kenshin speaks*  ……uh………that's very nice?

Okita *grin grin*  Arigatou!!  *folds paper up again and pockets it*

Sano *nudges the catatonic Kenshin* …if this guy's got the balls to sing that kind of song, I say you might as well do what he says…

Kenshin ^_-;;; ………y-yeah…you're probably right…

Okita *grin grin*  So you'll come??

Kenshin …uh……uhm…sure…

Sano But if Kenshin's going, I am too!

Okita *nod nod*  Okay… *pulls out a pad of embroidered paper out of his pocket(s) and writes Saitou's address and the date and time of the party on it.  He tears it off the pad, and hands it to Kenshin*  Here you go, Battousai!  *smile*

Kenshin Thanks.  *takes the paper and reads the heading with curiosity.  In gold letters, these words were inscribed : *

The Shinsengumi : Kill Evil Immediately 

"That's our motto!"

*Kenshin pauses, and sweatdrops* …what…what is this? ^_-;;;; *shows Okita the heading*

Okita Oh!  *grin*  That's my Shinsengumi –stationary!-  It's free with my membership to the Shinsengumi!!

Kenshin -_^;;;;; ……th-they have Shinsengumi stationary?

Okita *big grin*  Of course!  Plus…Shinsengumi pens…Shinsengumi plushies… *pulls out a multitude of pens and plushies, and hugs the Saitou plushie*  I've collected them all!

Kenshin and Sano ……uhhh… _;;;;; *sweatdrop*

Kenshin …um…wow.

Okita *hands some Shinsengumi pens to Kenshin and Sano*  Here you go!  Take these, I don't need them all!  *grin*  Hey, I hate to leave you guys, but I have other people to invite!!  Have fun doing your laundry!  I uh…  *looks sheepishly up at Sano*  I hope you get your…uh…underwear back……

Sano *gets over the initial shock of holding an official Shinsengumi pen, and manages a smile as he pulls at a wedgie*  ………uh…thanks.

Okita ^_-; well!  I'll be seeing you then!  *stuffs pens and plushies in pocket(s), and hops off*

Kenshin *is still holding the Shinsengumi pen with a gaping mouth*  …ehm…arigatou?

A spacious room.  A boy dressed all in blue sits in the center holding his sword in front of him and the other hand hidden behind his back.  Okita peeks through a door and smiles.

Okita *grin*  Soujiro-chan!!

Soujiro  *opens his blue eyes and smiles*  Why, konnichiwa, Okita-san!  Would you like some sake?  *reveals the other hidden hand, which is holding a bottle of sake*

Okita *blink* uh…you're only sixteen, Soujiro-chan…

Soujiro *grin* Hee hee.  *hic*

Okita O______O;;;  *blink*  Sou…ji…ro…?  Are you drunk?

Soujiro *hic*  Mmmmmaaaaaaayyyyyyybe…  *flops down on his back, giggling*  It's a seeeecret…

Okita *claps a hand to his face*  Oh…jeez…

Soujiro *hic* *hic* *griiiiin*

Okita *walks over to Soujiro and plucks the empty bottle of sake from his hand, looking down at it in shock*  Soujiro!  You're supposed to use a little bowl-thingie to drink it, not gulp down the whole bottle!  

Soujiro …aw…I sowwy… *hic*

Okita *smile*  It's okay.  *pats Soujiro's head, and hands him an Okita-plushie from his collection of Shinsengumi plushies*  Here.  Get some sleep.

Soujiro *snore*

Okita *smile and sweatdrop*  Hehehe…  *scribbles on invitation on the Shinsengumi stationary, and tucks it under Soujiro's arm*  No more sake for you.  *he takes the bottle, and walks out*

After sending off several more invitations, Okita wearily arrives back in his home, only to find Saitou there, waiting for him.

Okita *very tired, but shocked*  Saitou-san!

Saitou Where were you?  You shouldn't be out in your condition.

Okita *grin*  I'm fine, Saitou-san.

Saitou *glare* …and on top of that, you forgot our game day…

Okita …game…day?  *blink*

Saitou Today, you promised that you'd come over and play Pretty Pretty Princess with me!

Okita *fairly large sweatdrop*  ah…sorry?

Saitou *glare*

Okita …gomen nasai!  I…I forgot.

Saitou *gets up*  You'd better not forget again.

Okita *bows quickly*  I won't!  Next week, okay?

Saitou *sniff*  Okay.  *walks towards the door, but stops*  By the way, what was so important that you forgot our game day?

Okita *sweatdrop*  …uh…I had a meeting to attend…

Saitou What sort of meeting?

Okita The uh… *looks at the empty bottle of sake in his hand*  Uh…an AA meeting.

Saitou Alcoholics Anonymous?  You're an alcoholic?

Okita …uhm…yes!  Yes, I am!  *sweatdrops, and smiles nervously*

Saitou *points to the bottle*  I see your counseling isn't helping much.

Okita Oh…yeah?  *studies the sake bottle with feigned interest*  Yeah…just can't keep myself away from the bottle… *sigh*

Saitou You need to get some help.

Okita Oh, no, I'm fine…

Saitou *steps towards Okita*  No, you're not.  Alcoholism is a major problem.  You need to seek professional help.

Okita *sweatdrop gets bigger* …a-ahh…no I don't…

Saitou Yes, you do.  Your sickness is enough.  Now, stay here while I fetch a professional counselor.  *walks out*

Okita *sinks to the floor* …oh, great…

An hour later, Saitou returns with a counselor, and, explaining his problem, settles down to listen to the counselor interrogate poor Okita.

Counselor *taking out a pad of paper, ink, and a paintbrush, and propping his glasses up on his nose*  Souji Okita, correct?

Okita *trying his best to look ashamed*  Yes, sir…  *…and thinking, if he wasn't trying to plan Saitou's birthday party, he'd kill him*

Counselor Mmm hmmm… *paint paint*  And…when did this…drinking condition start?

Okita *looks over at Saitou, faking anxiety*  Well…

Saitou *nods determinedly, prodding him on*

Okita …just recently, sir.  About two months ago.

Counselor Mmm hmmm.  *****paint paint*  Do you have any…stress in your life?

Okita *sweatdropping*  Perhaps a bit, sir.

Counselor Mmm hmmm.  *paint paint*  Okita-san…do you feel that alcohol de-stresses you?

Okita *raises eyebrow*  What are you getting at?

Counselor *paint paint*  Just answer the question, Okita-san.

Okita *a little irritated* …sometimes.

Saitou *thins his lips*  Don't get frustrated, Okita-kun…he's just trying to help.

Okita *sighs, knowing he's hopeless…*

Counselor Mmm hmmm.  *paint paint*  And…do you have a history of mental problems?

Okita *figures if he's going to act in this farce, he'll go all out* …………yes… *sniff* …sir…

Saitou *looks worried*

Counselor Mmm hmmm.  *paint paint*  What sorts of mental problems?

Okita *sighs, beginning to get waterlogged*  Ohh…where can I start?  ADD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, three years in a mental institution…

Saitou What?!  A mental institution?

Okita *sniffles meekly, and decides now he's having too much fun to stop* …yes… Saitou-san…before I met you, I was in a mental institution…

Counselor *beginning to look interested, he peers up at Okita*  Hmmm…And what happened in this mental institution?

Okita *holding back a sob*  Everything!  They…they chained us to beds…and wouldn't feed us for weeks…  I remember… *he squints, straining to remember*  I remember my former roommate, Billy…  Poor Billy.  *sniffle*

Saitou *eyes widen*

Counselor *puts down his paintbrush in shock and stares at Okita*  What…happened to Billy?

Okita *enjoying every moment of this*  …Billy…he…he told me one day…he'd find a way out of this hellhole…and he'd bring me with him…out of this place.  *sniff*  One day…he took a spoon from one of his previous meals and used it to pry the locks off of his and my bindings…and then…he began to dig.  Every day, he'd undo our bindings…and with me, we'd… *choke* …we'd dig our way out, pausing only to rub our cut and bruised fingers 'till the b-bleeding s-stopped.  When they'd come to check on us…he'd hide the hole, tie us back up…and swallow the spoon…only to cough it back up again when they'd leave.  *adding a sentence about the alleged "Billy" when both Saitou and the counselor appear dubious* …Billy had a former job as a sword swallower… *he takes a shaky breath*  Months passed.  We were almost finished with the hole, until…they caught us.  *both the counselor and Saitou are in shock, gripped in horror to his tale of woe*  And…and they took Billy away, and…

Counselor …and what…?

Saitou It's okay, Okita-kun…you can say it…

Okita *bursts out into sobs, and flings his arms around Saitou* …and they dressed him up in a Barney suit and put him in a room of rabid kids!!!  *sobs loudly*

Saitou *blink* …oh my.

Counselor …that's…horrible!  Okita-san…I'm so sorry for my rudeness before… I didn't know…

Okita *between sobs*  It's…it's…o-okay…

Counselor *gets up suddenly, gathering up his supplies, and bows*  G-gomen nasai.  I am not the person to deal with this…situation!  I think…you need some time alone, Okita-san…  *he turns to leave*

Okita *still sobbing, but all the while giving himself a mental high-five*  A…Arigatou…

Saitou *looking extremely pained*  Arigatou.

Counselor You don't need to pay me.  *gives the two another quick nod, and hurriedly rushes out*

Okita *sniffle*

Saitou *awkwardly pats Okita's back*  There there…

Okita *sniff*

Saitou *lets go of Okita, and gives him a very nervous, odd-looking smile*  Okay.  Uh…I'll go back to my house, and make you some soup, or something…… *pauses*  Will you be okay alone?

Okita *sniff* …yeah…I'll be fine…

Saitou *nods, and walks out, shutting the door behind him*

Okita *waits for several minutes, and then peeks out the door.  When he sees Saitou disappearing over the horizon, he sighs, and flops onto his bed on the floor*  Aaaah!  Whew!  I thought that would –never- end…hmm… *****eyes start to close* …tired… *snore*

The day of Saitou's birthday : Okita's home 

Okita *his eyes flutter open, and he sees the sun is already up.  His eyes widen*  Oh!  I slept that late?!  *He glances over to his tear-off calendar, and sees the date*  Oh, crap!!!  I slept THAT late?!?!  A whole DAY?!?!  *cough cough*  Aggh… *he quickly gets ready for the day, and gazes up at the sky* …Saitou-san should be on his police patrol now…  *he runs over to Saitou's house, where Kenshin, Sano, and Hiko are standing*  Oh!

Kenshin *smile* Hello, Okita-san!  I invited Hiko-san, if you don't mind…

Okita *shakes head* I don't mind at all!  Sorry for keeping you waiting…

Kenshin That's okay!  We weren't waiting long.

Okita Oh!  Good!  And… *he looks over at Sano curiously* is everything okay with you…?

Sano *beams* Yes!  I am great!  Perfect!

Okita *grins and sweatdrops* Oh, yes!  Great!

Hiko …can we actually go in?

Okita Yes!  *unlocks door and leads the three through a main room, than the hallway, then to another room* Here!  You have to stay in here, though, until Saitou-san comes home…

Hiko *blinks* …excuse me.

Okita Yes?

Hiko We had no ribbons, or paper for the gifts…do you have some?  My dumb apprentice forgot to get the gift till it was too late.

Kenshin ^^;;  Gomen nasai.

Okita *grin grin* Oh, that's okay!  *gets a box of ribbons and papers from a closet* Here you go!

Sano *whistles the tune "What's in the Barney Bag?"*

Kenshin Sanooo!  *elbows him, and sweatdrops*

Hiko *sweatdrop*

Okita *sweatdrop*

There's a small knock on the door, and Okita smiles.

Okita Excuse me… *he rushes off*

At the door, Soujiro is standing, and behind him, Shishio.  Aoshi is standing far away from them, shooting odd looks at the two of them.

Okita Oh!  You could come!  *in an undertone, to Soujiro*  Uhh…how's your hangover doing?

Soujiro *blushes, and grins* I felt a little woozy yesterday, but I think I'm okay now!  Arigatou!

Shishio *raises eyebrow*

Aoshi *looks dark and mysterious*

Okita …no more alcohol for you.  You won't –believe- what I went through to cover you!

Soujiro *looks apologetic* Gomen nasaaaiiii!  *hugs his Okita plushie*

Shishio *raises eyebrow*

Aoshi *looks dark and mysterious*

Okita *sweatdrops* It's okay.  Come in!  *Soujiro hops effervescently inside the house, and Shishio follows gravely.  Aoshi just stands there looking dark and mysterious, until a random tree branch falls on his head*

Aoshi …gr.  *rubs head darkly and mysteriously*

Okita Oh!  Sorry, Aoshi!  Come right in!!  *motions to him*

Aoshi *follows Okita, holding his dark and mysterious present*

Okita *leads the three to the room where Hiko, Sano, and Kenshin are.  When the three newcomers meet eye to eye with the original occupants, a glarefest ensues*

Sano Shishio!  Grrrr…Soujiro.  And…Aoshi?  *glare*

Kenshin Soujiro…Shishio…Aoshi.  *glare*

Soujiro Himura-san…and his little friend.  *glare*

Shishio Hrm.  Battousai.  *glare*

Hiko …so these are the opponents my dumb apprentice faces.  *glare*

Aoshi *a dark and mysterious glare to everyone*

Okita Please!  Can't we put aside rivalries for just –one- single birthday party…?

Kenshin *glare* Only if you'd sing that song again would I EVER think about staying in the same room with them.

Okita *sighs* Oh, fine.  *puts on a huge smile*

//Saitou-san, Saitou-san,//

//He's our bestest Shinsengumi man//

//With his cute little bangs and eyes that glow,//

//He's the coolest sword-wielding guy I know!//

*he finishes with a big flourish*

Kenshin *drops his sword* OO;;;;  Orooo… I didn't think he'd actually DO it…  *biiig sweatdrop*

Sano *sweatdrop*

Hiko *sweatdrop*

Soujiro *sweatdrop*

Shishio *sweatdrop*

Aoshi *a dark and mysterious sweatdrop*

_Silence, until another knock comes from the door.  Okita runs off, leaving the six to sweatdrop together.  Okita opens the door to see Sanosuke (the other one), Hijikata-san, and a couple other random Shinsengumi members._

Okita *big grin* Why, hello!  *looks around* …where's the others?

Hijikata *looks dark and mysterious*

Sanosuke Oh.  They couldn't come.  You know, "kill evil immediately."  Evil never rests, even for Saitou-san's birthday.

Okita *sigh* Yes…you're right.  Oh well.

Sanosuke *smile*  It's okay!  We brought Saitou-san a present, and we brought you… *motions to the dark and mysterious Hijikata-san, who has already set up a stand of Shinsengumi merchandise…pens, pencils, t-shirts, socks, paper fans, plushies, stationeries, headbands, stress balls, etc…*  Shinsengumi stuff!

Okita *grin grin*  All right!  *picks up a small tin* …hm?  What's this?

Sanosuke Shinsengumi BREATH MINTS!!  *big smile*

Okita Way cool!  *grin grin*

Rest of Shinsengumi Is evil turning your breath ripe?  Shinsengumi breath mints!  KILL EVIL IMMEDIATELY!!

Okita *griiiin* Hee!

Hijikata *pulls down stand, and looks dark and mysterious again*

Okita *smiles*  Well, come in!  *he motions them all in, and back to the room, where a nice stack of presents lay in the corner, though several are unwrapped.  The six occupants inside have big sweatdrops on their heads, and are silent.  Okita just looks at them, and sweatdrops*  Yep.  This is the life of the party here.

Sanosuke *Walks over to Sano, and taps him on the shoulder*  Hey.  What's your name?

Sano *jumps* Oh!  Um…I'm Sanosuke.

Sanosuke *eyes widen*  Hey!  I'm Sanosuke!

Sano Really??  Whoa!

Kenshin *blink*  Two Sanos?!  Oroooo….@o@  *falls over*

Hiko *catches Kenshin*  Oh, great.

Sanosuke *smile*  You're cool!  You have my name!

Sano *grin*  And you're pretty cool yourself.

Okita Heh.  At least –they've- hit it off nicely.  *looks to Aoshi and Hijikata, who are glaring at each other*

Hijikata *dark and mysterious glare*

Aoshi *dark and mysterious glare*

Hijikata *dark and mysterious glare*

Aoshi *dark and mysterious glare*

Hijikata *dark and mysterious glare*

Aoshi *dark and mysterious glare*

Soujiro Oh no!  They're at a stalemate!

Okita *sweatdrop*  Oh, jeez…

Hiko There's nothing we can do.

Okita …-_-;;;

Suddenly, the door opens, and Saitou steps inside.  Okita sees him through the crack in the door and curses loudly, breaking the stalemate between Hijikata and Aoshi.

Okita Aah!  I need to go get the cake!  You'll just have to stall him until I get back!

Shishio *blink*  What?

Soujiro Stall him?

Okita Yes, yes!  *cough cough*  Stall him!  I'll be back soon!  *runs out of a back exit*

Sanosuke Okita!  A—rrr…  Well…  *sigh*  I guess we have to do as he says.

Soujiro …great.  *shakes his head*  Who's going to go out there?

Shishio Not me!  Saitou hates me.  What about…  *his eyes fall on a KO'ed Kenshin* …Battousai.

Soujiro Himura-san.

Sanosuke Battousai.

Sano Kenshin.

Hiko The dumb apprentice.

Hijikata *shoots a dark and mysterious glare at Aoshi*

Aoshi *shoots a dark and mysterious glare at Hijikata*

Soujiro Well.  They're no help.

Hiko …how are we going to wake him up, though?

Shishio Well…… *points to the sake bottle on Hiko's hip*

Hiko *gasp*  No!  Not my sake!

Soujiro *shudder*  Ugggh…sake.  Hangovers…

Shishio Is that where all my sake went to??  Soujiro, did you break into my liquor cabinet again??  You know not to use your Shukuchi to steal the bottle out of the cabinet before I lock it up again!!

Soujiro *looks down*  Gomen nasai, Shishio-san…

Sano *snicker*  At least _I_ don't have to sneak sake.  I'm legal.  *grin*

Soujiro *glare*  You're frustrating me.

Shishio Back to the situation at hand!  Give some of that sake to Battousai, and then he'll wake up!

Hiko *wails loudly*  Nooooooooooooo!  Not my SAKEE!!  *clings to the sake bottle*

Saitou *looks up*  Hn?  What was –that-??  …Okita?  *stands up*

Shishio -Now- look what you did!!  He heard you!  You and your stupid sake!!  Now, give me that!  *grabs onto the sake bottle*

Hiko *tries to pull the bottle away*  NOOOOOOOO!  NonononononononononononoNO!  MY SAAAAAAAAKEEEEE!

Saitou What the *beep* is that?!

Soujiro Fine!  ENOUGH of this!  I'LL go!  *walks off, grumbling*

Silence again, until Sanosuke pulls out a bag of somethings.

Sanosuke LOOK!  Shinsengummies!

Hiko *tears his sake away from Shishio and runs over to Sanosuke*  I get dibs!

Sano Why should YOU get dibs?!  I'm the one who has the same name as Sanosuke here!

Hiko *sticks out tongue*  Because I'm the Hiten-Mitsurugi Style master.

Sanosuke *sweatdrop* Uh…

Hijikata *silently walks over to Sanosuke while Hiko and Sano are bickering, and snatches up the bag of "Shinsengummies."  He walks over to Aoshi, and offers him an Okita-gummy.  After giving Hijikata a dark, mysterious, yet surprised look, Aoshi accepts it, and pops it in his mouth.  He gives Hijikata a satisfied nod, and gives in to sharing the bag of Shinsengummies darkly and mysteriously with him*

Aoshi …arigatou.

Hijikata You are welcome.

Both Hiko and Sano finally realize the candy they were arguing over is gone, and they turn to glare at Aoshi and Hijikata.

Hiko *turns sharply around, and his sake bottle smacks Shishio upside the head*  Rr… -I'm- the Hiten-Mitsurugi master…

Shishio *goes flying, and lands right in Okita's Box O' Ribbons he had set out, and gets locked inside*

Hiko and Sano *pout*  I should have gotten dibs…

Sanosuke Hehe… ^-^;;

Meanwhile… 

Soujiro *walks down the hallway, still grumbling, and runs headlong into Saitou*  Oof!

Saitou *stumbles back, and glares at Soujiro*  You!  What are you doing here?

Soujiro *looks shocked*  Um…I…  *thinking fast, he puts on his ubiquitous grin*  I just moved next door, and…I wanted to bake cookies for you!  But…I'm missing some things, and I…um…wanted to borrow them from you…

Saitou *raises an eyebrow* …that doesn't explain the scream.  *he tries to brush past Soujiro, but the young boy braces his arms on the wall and prevents him from progressing any further*

Soujiro That…that was me.  From a couple houses down.  I was flustered, and I was missing a main ingredient in the cookies…

Saitou *narrowing his eyes* …if I heard that scream correctly, you said something about…sake?

Soujiro *is at first perplexed, and then affirmative*  Oh?  Oh yes!  Sake is the main ingredient in ALL the cookies I bake!  *sweatdrops*  So I really, really, REALLY need some sake!

Saitou *skeptical*  I don't have any sake.  And anyways…if I wanted my own *shudder* sake cookies…I'd bake them myself.  *tries to get past Soujiro, but he blocks him again*

Soujiro Okay…okay, you caught me.

Saitou *looks oddly surprised* Wh—

Soujiro I'm not actually baking cookies.  I… *he grows somber*  Shishio-san sent me, because he wanted me to kill you, but… *he fakes his hands trembling*  I can't!!  Because…because…I LOVE YOU!  *he glomps Saitou with a passion, knocking him over*  I love you, Saitou-san!!  *bursts into crocodile tears*

Saitou *EXTREMELY taken aback, given this is the second time in three days he's been cried upon by his "emotional" friends/acquaintances*  Uh…  *big sweatdrop*  I…uh…  *cough*  Uh…I thought you had no emotions, Soujiro…  *with a touch of sympathy, he adds* -kun.

Soujiro *sob sob*  They lie!  They ALL lie!  The only one I'll ever have emotions for…is you!  *while he hugs Saitou, he thinks this is –damn- well near enough payment for whatever Okita had to go through to cover up his sake escapade…*

Saitou *he's shot, because of Okita's outburst, and it seems that the coldness has drained from him*  Soujiro-kun.  Surely, this isn't –really- how you feel…  *searches his pockets for some cigarettes…he really NEEDED some cigarettes…*

Soujiro *sob*  It is!!  *All of the sudden, Kenshin wanders out of the door to the room, a little swirly-headed from being unconscious for so long*

Kenshin O. ro??  *he blinks confusedly at Saitou and Soujiro on the floor*  What in the—

Soujiro *suddenly jumps up and yells*  You!  Himura-san!  You followed me to protect Saitou from being killed, didn't you?!?  *gives a hopeless glance to Kenshin*

Kenshin *draws his sword, still wobbling a bit*  Yes!  Yes!  I…have come to protect Saitou!

Soujiro *gives Kenshin a wink*  I see my potent sake cookies have WEAKENED you!!  *laughs maniacally*

Kenshin *winks back, wobbling a bit more*  Aaa, yes…I am weak!  I have been WEAKENED!  *wobble*

Saitou O__O;; *big eyes*  B-Bat.  Tou.  Sai.

Kenshin *grins at Saitou*  I bet you can't say that any faster.

Saitou *quickly lights up a cigarette*  Wh-what?!?!  You think I can't say Bat.  Tou.  Sai any faster??

Kenshin *he grins.  He's just biding his time…*  Yep.  I'll bet you can't say my name any faster.

Saitou This…this is insane!!  *looks over helplessly at Soujiro*

Soujiro *clasps his hands together girlishly*  You can do it, darling!!  *…and suffers a weird, shocked look from Kenshin*

Kenshin ^^;;; Um…come on then, punk!  *a semi-evil grin*  Are you chicken?

Saitou I…I…I…I NEED A SMOKE!!!!  *to Soujiro and Kenshin's surprise, he rushes outside to go smoke*

Kenshin *smile*  I didn't know that a wolf was so skittish.

Soujiro *grin*  He wasn't –originally- skittish.

Kenshin *raises a brow*  Okay…what did you say to him?

Soujiro *another grin, and then he looks casually down at his fingernails*  I told him I loved him—

Kenshin *sputtering*  You…wh-wh-aat?!?

Soujiro *looks up*  Hey, I was desperate.  You did it too, with that… name thing.  *he pauses*  Besides, it worked, didn't it?

Kenshin *shrugs, and sweatdrops*  I guess so…

Soujiro Now, let's go, Himura-san!  *motions to the door*  You first.

Kenshin Why…thanks.  You're not bad for one of Shishio's Juppongatana.  *smile*

Soujiro *grin*  You should see me fight.

Meanwhile… 

_Saitou is sitting outside, breathing heavily.  He takes four more cigarettes out of the pack and sticks them into his mouth, lighting them all.  He is now smoking five cigarettes (four added to his normal one) at once, creating a large cloud of smoke around him._

Saitou It's just one of those days……It's just one of those days……It's just one of those days… *shiver*

Meanwhile… 

_Okita is standing in front of a display case of cakes in a small, specialty store, looking puzzled._

Okita Hmmm…they don't have Saitou-san's favorite cake…

The store owner, who is a very small and irritated little soul, hops out from behind the display case and startles Okita.

Okita *jumps back*  Eep!

Store Owner Right.  *looks at Okita's Shinsengumi outfit, and sighs frustratedly*  What right do you have to be a member of the Shinsengumi, and come nancing in here like some pansy to demand a cake?

Okita I…um.  I don't think I was "demanding…" but I –would- like to buy a cake… *sweatdrop* Maybe?

Store Owner See, there you go again!  Deny, deny, deny!  Deny that our government's failing!  "Keep it the way it is," you say!  None of us believe in your half-witted claptrap!

Okita *smoothing out his hair and fixing his ponytail calmly* …All I want is a cake, sir…  *There's a reason why everyone in the Shinsengumi carries two swords…and I think I just found out the reason…*

Store Owner Suuuure!  All you want is a cake, you say!  Next, you'll be trying to control all our lives with your Nazi-esque ways!  Kill Evil Immediately, right?  Then you all should commit seppku, because you are the evil ones!  *he shakes a finger at Okita*

Okita K;;  …You did NOT just insult the Shinsengumi like that…

Store Owner *looking smug*  What are you gonna to about it?

Okita draws his auxiliary sword (since he left the main one at home) and with one swing, splits the entire display case in two.  In the carnage of cake mix and icing, the store owner stands there dumbfounded.  The icing-covered Shinsengumi member stands silently, and wipes some icing off his cheek with an official Shinsengumi towel.

Okita Give.  Me.  A cake.

The store owner is still sitting, shocked.

Okita NOW!!!

Store Owner *jumps*  Eee!  Yes, y-yes!  Whatever you want!  *he peers timidly over at Okita*  What…do you want?

Okita *said in a dark and mysterious tone not unlike Aoshi's*  A bumbleberry Jell-O cake with lactose-free ice cream inside.  Make it…  *he runs a finger across his ponytail, and licks the icing from his finger evilly*  …a light lavender icing for the cake.  *with a grin, he adds* It's Saitou-san's favorite color^_____^.

Meanwhile… 

_Kenshin and Soujiro enter the room to find Hijikata and Aoshi have polished off the Shinsengummies and are now looking darkly and mysteriously in the direction of Sanosuke, who holds yet another bag of the scrumptious Shinsengummies.  He is fighting over Sano and Hiko about which Shinsengummy should go to whom._

Sano No fair, Sanosuke!  You always get the Sanosuke-gummies!  I want one!

Sanosuke -_-*…that would leave me with the Saitou-gummies!

Hiko I get the Okita-gummies.

Sano What's so bad about the Saitou-gummies?

Sanosuke *whining*  They taste like bumbleberry!  And…I always choke on his bangs!

Hiko I get the Okita-gummies.

Kenshin Oroo… *sweatdrop*

Soujiro *sweatdrop* … *he pauses, and then a strange smile fixates itself upon his face.  He begins to hop up and down on one foot as he flexes the muscles in his hands*

Kenshin *stares at him curiously*  What are you doing?  …A new dance step?

Soujiro -_-;;… *sweatdrop, then a grin*  Nope.  I'm getting myself one of those gummies.  Here I go.  *hops into the air and disappears*

*insert cool Rurouni Kenshin music here*

Kenshin Soujiro…he…he disappeared!  *smacks his fist to the palm of his hand*  So THAT'S how he murdered Okubo-san!

*cool Rurouni Kenshin music abruptly stops*

*Both Aoshi and Hijikata sweatdrop and give Kenshin a look that clearly says, "Well, DUH."*

Kenshin -_-;;  It's not my fault I'm slow like that.

*Soujiro sweeps past Sano, Hiko, and Sanosuke, whisking away several Hijikata-gummies.  The three standing around the bag don't notice the gummies are gone until Soujiro reappears at Kenshin's side, and gives him a couple Hijikata-gummies to munch on* 

Kenshin Arigatou!

Soujiro Welcome.  *he pops a few in his mouth*

Kenshin *nibbles a little on the gummy, and pauses, as his eyes go wide*  Soujiro!  Don't swallow the gummy!  They're—

Soujiro *hic* Heeee.

Kenshin ;; sake flavored.

Soujiro *hic hic*  Whaa--??

Hiko *looks over, and seeing Soujiro wobbling around, he smacks a hand to his forehead*  Kenshin!  Did you get Soujiro drunk?

Kenshin ORO?!?  Not me!!  *flails arms*  It's his own fault he got drunk!  Taste the Hijikata-gummies, Hiko-san!

Hiko *munches on a Hijikata-gummy, and, upon doing so, suddenly snatches all of the Hijikata-gummies from the Shinsengummy bag, and stuffs them all in his pockets, grinning merrily*  Myyyyy sake.

Kenshin See?

*Both Hijikata and Aoshi give a dark and mysterious snicker*

Soujiro *walks into the center of the room, wobbling, to make a speech*  I will now… *hic*  shing a shong for yuuuu…  *on "yuuuu" he points in the general direction of Sanosuke, Hiko, Sano, Kenshin, and the other members of the Shinsengumi*  *And he begins to sing at the top of his lungs : *

AHM' SHINGIN' IN TH' RAINNN… *hic*

JUS' SHINGIN' IN TH' RAAIIIINNN… *wobble*

WHAT A GLORIUSH-A-FEE-HEEL-IN' –

*At this point, Saitou drops all five of his cigarettes, and rushes back into the house.  Thinking of the only way to save their skins and keep the party a secret, Aoshi darkly and mysteriously shoves Soujiro out into the hallway and locks the door behind him*

Soujiro …I hap-pee AGIIIN!!  *collapses into raucous laughter*

*And then, to make matters worse, (or funnier, if you look at it that way^__^) Saitou happens upon the poor inebriated youth leaning against the wall, laughing maniacally.  His eyes widen and he catches Soujiro before the boy falls to the ground*

Saitou *closes his eyes*  It's just one of those days…

*And he carts the hiccupping boy to his bed, placing a washcloth on his head*

Soujiro You're my heeeeero, Saitou-saaaan!

Saitou … *lights up two more cigarettes, and begins to smoke them ravenously*

Soujiro *blink blink*  *hic*  Whatcha doin'?

Saitou …it's just one of those days, Soujiro-kun… -_-;;;

Meanwhile… Kenshin is shocked that Aoshi just pushed the drunken Soujiro out of their room, while Shishio is still locked, (most likely unconscious) in Okita's Box O' Ribbons, and now Sano, Hiko, and Sanosuke have all frozen, as they are staring at Aoshi.  Aoshi, however, is leaning against a wall nonchalantly with his arms crossed, and Hijikata is mirroring him. 

Kenshin Aoshi!  How could you do that?!?

Aoshi … *dark and mysterious stare*  It needed to be done.

Kenshin *sputtering*  Wh…what d'you mean?!?

Sano *steps up next to Kenshin*  I agree with Aoshi.  If he hadn't pushed him outside when he did, Saitou surely would've come in here.  We need to stall him until Okita comes back—you heard what he said.

*Aoshi smirks darkly and mysteriously at Kenshin*

Kenshin I guess…I guess you're right, Sano…-_-*

Sanosuke …but we need to get Soujiro back.  I have two reasons for you : Reason number ONE : Okita will NOT be pleased if he finds Soujiro gone and/or drunk, and he has had enough stress already without having to worry about a drunk.  Reason Number TWO : Soujiro has no inkling of what circumstances lie around him under the influence of *sweatdrop* sake-flavored Shinsengummies.  He could easily blurt out ANYTHING about this party to Saitou, whom I assume has already found him (since the drunken singing has stopped), without having the common sense to hold it in.

Hiko Woah.  The first time Sanosuke was –ever- right.

Sano -_-*;; …you'll be eating those words, buddy.

Sanosuke -_-*;; …yeah.

Hiko Eep.  *runs away into a faraway corner of the room*

Sano Anyway.  The real question is, who will go?  Who knows both Seta Soujiro, and Saitou Hajime?  *Sanosuke has already congregated back with Hiko in the corner of the room*

Sanosuke *snicker* You could put Saitou's name in a commercial. *in an undertone* S-A-I…T-O-U…M-O-U-S-E.  Saitou Mouse!

Hiko *who is the only one close enough to hear Sanosuke, begins to laugh*

*Everyone turns in the direction of Hiko and Sanosuke's corner*

Kenshin Hiko-san?  Are you…laughing?

Hiko *shuts his mouth and tries not to laugh, creating a comical expression*  No.

Sanosuke *whispering*  S-A-I…

Hiko *sweatdrop*

Sanosuke T-O-U…

Hiko *his straight face begins to break*

Kenshin *looks quizzical*  Oro??

Sanosuke Em.  Oh.  Yu.  Es.  EEEEEEEEEE…..

Hiko *erupts into laughter, as does Sanosuke*

Kenshin *sweeeaatdroppp*  ^_^;;;;  H-Hiko-san??

_After Hiko gets over his laughing spell, Kenshin is still staring at him very confusedly.  In an attempt to regain his composure…_

Hiko Um…I was…NOT laughing.  I was…doing abdominal exercises…see?  *pulls up his shirt to reveal a six-pack.  Sanosuke applauds the six-pack*  Thank you, thank you. ^^;; Hehe.  I still need to keep working on it…

Kenshin OO;;;;

Sano OO;;;;;

Aoshi OO;;;;;;

Hijikata OO;;;;;

Hiko *smiling and sweatdropping* Ehehe…^^;;;

Sanosuke Yes!  He was…um…helping me with the exercises.  *opens his mouth wide and begins to laugh mechanically*  Ha.  Ha Ha Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  See?  It's a full abdominal workout!!!  *grins hopefully*  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.

Hiko *joins him*  Haa.  Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.  Ha.

Sanosuke and Hiko Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.

Kenshin O______O;;;;;;;;

Sano O_________O;;;;;

Aoshi O_____O;;;;;

Hijikata O_______O;;;;;;

*Sanosuke and Hiko continue laughing mechanically*

Hijikata Anyway… -_-;;;

Sano Um.  On a different subject, Kenshin.  I think you should go.

Kenshin Why me?  Why am I always the one to go?!?!

Sano Because.  You're the main character.  And you do everything.

Kenshin But whyyy?  I never ASKED to be the main character!!  I don't wanna go!!  *tears threaten to stream out of his eyes*

Sano *shrugs*  And I never asked to be your co-star.  Besides… YOU'RE the one who gets paid the most on the show because it's all about YOU…you in your penthouse suites, your fine dinners!  And you know how us CO-STARS live our lives?!  In an apartment complex, next to a hairy old lady named Mrs. Schneezer!

Kenshin *sweatdrop*  Sano, if you wouldn't gamble all your money away…

Sano *pout*  URUSAI!  This is MY time to complain!!

Kenshin -_^;;  You know what?  I think I will go…  *sneek sneek sneeks towards the door*

Sano WAIT A SECOND, PRETTY BOY!!  I'm not finished with you!

Kenshin *scurries out the door and shuts it behind him*

Aoshi *dark and mysterious sweatdrop*

Hijikata *dark and mysterious sweatdrop*

Meanwhile… Soujiro is giggling madly on Saitou's bed while Saitou is on his second pack of cigarettes… 

Saitou I can't –believe- I'm doing this…baby-sitting a…a drunk teenager?!  *claps a hand to his face, and burns his hand on his four cigarettes in his mouth*  Oooo!

Soujiro *huggles Saitou*  Is' okee, Saiiitou-kuuuuun!

Saitou -_-;;; God help me.

Soujiro Kyaaaaa.  *looks up, not letting go of Saitou, and griiiins*  Y'know what color you'd *hic* look good in??  A light lavender *hic hic*

Saitou *a slight smirk*  That's what Okita tells me.

Soujiro *silence*

Saitou Um…*ahem*

Soujiro *blink*  *his eyes widen in a somewhat drunken understanding*  Heee~y!  Were –you- the one that snuck into our dojo the other night and tried on all on Yumi-san's dresses?  You know, the really low-cut pink ones??

Saitou *He's being accused by a drunk man…*  Wh-what?!?  *spits all of his cigarettes out*

Soujiro Yesh, you were!!  I found a cigarette butt on the floor of Yumi-san's dressing room, so it must be you!  *he picks a cigarette up off the floor, and takes a pull from it*  Yup.  You smoke Marlboro lights, doncha?  *he winks at Saitou*

Saitou *grabs the cigarette from Soujiro's mouth and huffs, trying to change the subject*  Cigarettes and sake are not good for you, Soujiro.

Soujiro *singing*  Youu were theeerrrree~!  Trying on dreeesssseesss~!  Prolly for Okita-kun, huh huh?  *he grins*

Saitou *turns red*  No, I did –NOT-!!!

_Kenshin steps through the door to Saitou's room with his sakobato drawn._

Kenshin Unhand the…drunken kid.  *he glances over at Soujiro, who is giggling into Saitou's chest, and Saitou, who is red in the face and looks like he could faint any minute* …please?

Saitou What do you want –him- for???

Kenshin I need to um… *looks around*  Take him back to his AA meeting.

Saitou *claps a hand to his face*  Is EVERYONE around here in AA?!?

Kenshin Um…yes.  In fact, we were going together, except Soujie-kun here *he winces a little at the informal name he uses for Soujiro, and adds a Texan drawl to his words*  …wanted to go to a sake bar, and he just got plain plastered.

Saitou *shakes his head*  Oh god.  Bat.  Tou.  Sai is an alcoholic…

Kenshin *grin*  I bet you can't say my name any faster.

Saitou *shakes his head furiously*  No, no!  Not this again!

Soujiro *hic*  *in a singsongy voice* :  Oh-kita and Sai-tohh, sittin' in a treeee…

Saitou *bolts upright, and stares in horror at the drunken youth*

Kenshin *looks somewhat confused*  Oro?

Soujiro K-I-S-S-…

Saitou Take him!  TAKE HIM!  *he prys himself from Soujiro's grip, and shoves him at Kenshin, who falls into the Battousai's arms gaily*

Soujiro I-N-G!!  Firs' comes luv…

Kenshin *pats Soujiro on the head and carts him back to the room*  Poor guy.

Saitou *is totally and completely mortified as he hears, "then comes marriage, then comes a bay-be in the bay-bee carriage…" floating down the hall.  He takes a brand new pack, (his last one) and begins to smoke them all, two at a time, consecutively*  It's just one of those days…  It's just one of those days…

Meanwhile… 

_Okita is skipping jovially home with his bumbleberry Jell-O cake with lactose-free ice cream inside it.  The cake bounces and jiggles with his every step, and even though Okita is covered in icing from head to foot, he is whistling a happy tune, because he's sure it's finally –over-…_

_Meanwhile…_

_Sano is wrapping presents for Saitou, unaware that the ribbons he's using from Okita's Box O' Ribbons look suspiciously like tattered bandages…  Kenshin reappears in the door, carting a singing Soujiro.  He looks over at Sano for a moment, and, seeing he looks moderately happy, exhales and lays the drunken Soujiro down on the floor, using a random pillow for his head._

Aoshi *dark and mysterious sigh*

Hijikata *dark and mysterious sigh*

Sanosuke *sigh*  Did he tell anything?

Kenshin Not that I know of.  *siiiigh*  Now…we need to get Soujiro un-drunk for the party.  Does anyone know any remedies?

Hiko Sake cures everything.

Kenshin -_-;;;  Sake caused this problem, Hiko-san.

Hiko *pause*  Oh.  *another pause*  Well, then. I can't think of anything.

Sanosuke *shrugs*  Me neither.  Unless…  *he looks over at Hijikata*

Hijikata *nods, and darkly and mysteriously takes a small bottle out of his pocket.  On the bottle are the words written in tiny print : "The Shinsengumi De-Saketizer"*

Kenshin O.o  Oro?  Whuzzat?

Sanosuke A de-saketizer.  It's a prototype, so there might be some…*cough* side effects, but all in all, it removes all sake from the body.

Hijikata *turns to the audience, holding the bottle out*  The Shinsengumi De-Saketizer.  Buy it now for six easy installments of 500 yen.  Shinsengumi  De-Saketizer.  Kill.  Evil.  IMMEDIATELY!

Audience *cheers and claps*

Sanosuke No time for advertising now, Hijikata-san!  We need to get this stuff to Soujiro, quick!

Soujiro Hee?  *hic*

Kenshin W-Wait…side effects?

*Sanosuke and Hijikata pay no heed to poor Kenshin, as they pour some of the stuff down Soujiro's throat.  Soujiro wakes up, coughing and gagging, on the floor*

Soujiro Aiiie…

Sanosuke Are you okay, Soujiro?

Soujiro Nani?  Is that my name?  Sou…Ji…Ro…?

Hijikata *eyes go wide*  OO…

Kenshin *faints*

Sanosuke Oh, CRAP!!!

Soujiro *snicker*  You guys are too easy to fool.

Hijikata O___O…

Sanosuke What the—?  Why you little… *tries to choke Soujiro, but Soujiro hops away with his Shukuchi*

Soujiro hehehe.  *sticks his tongue out at Sanosuke*

Sanosuke Grrr…stupid Tenken!  *chases after him*

Sano *is still wrapping*

Hijikata *gives a dark and mysterious sweatdrop to Aoshi, who shrugs*

Hiko *catches Sanosuke by the collar*  Forget it!  At least us men can hold our liquor… *shoots a smirk at Soujiro*

Soujiro *glares at him, while smiling*

Sanosuke *pokes Hiko*  The kid ain't right…ya might wanna leave him alone…

*Okita appears in the back door, holding the Jell-Oey blob of a cake*

Okita Oi!  I got the ca-- *cough cough*

*coughs up blood all over the cake*

Soujiro *stops staring at Hiko and makes a disgusted face*  Eeeeew!  What did you DO to it?!?

Okita *sweatdrop*  Umm…added red icing?

Soujiro *inspects the cake and the disheveled Okita*  You…you tuberculized it!  *hops away*

Okita No I didn't!!

Soujiro Yes, you did!!

Okita *looks at the cake, panicked*  Maybe…maybe we can scrape it off!

Sanosuke *raises eyebrows*  It's totally tuberculized.

Okita Nooo!  I don't wanna get another cake!!

Soujiro *pats Okita's iced head*  Don't worry.  We'll send… *points to Aoshi enthusiastically*  Aoshi-san!

*Aoshi blinks and gives Soujiro a "who, me?" look*

*Soujiro nods*

*Aoshi shakes his head darkly and mysteriously*

*Soujiro nods, and then shoves Aoshi out the back door, locking it behind him*

Okita Soujiro!  That wasn't nice!

Soujiro *grins*  He did it to me.

*A sweatdrop from Okita*

Okita *looks at Hiko and Sanosuke*  I thought I told you all to be nice to one another!

Hiko It was under a different circumstance!  He was drunk!

Okita *gazes at Soujiro with a raised eyebrow*  He doesn't –look- drunk.

Soujiro I was!  But then Sanosuke—me dío una bebida que me ayudó.

Okita OO;;;  What in the--?

Soujiro ¿Qué?

Sanosuke Um…Soujiro?  Come on man, don't mess with us… ^^;;;

Soujiro Es no chiste.  *pauses, and eyes go wide*  Yo… ¡yo hablo español!  ¡¡Ahh!!  ¿Por qué no hablo en ingles?

Okita What did you do to him, Sanosuke?!?!

Sanosuke *wide-eyed*  I gave him a potion to make him…de-saketized.  I warned them there might be side effects!

Hijikata O_____O

Hiko *gestures to Kenshin on the floor*  You never gave my dumb apprentice time to object before you poured the stuff in his mouth!

Soujiro *holding his head*  Yo hablo español…

Sanosuke Ehhh…minor detail.

Hijikata *claps a hand to his face darkly and mysteriously*

Okita I CAN'T UNDERSTAND SPANISH!!!

Hijikata *shakes head*

Sanosuke Neither can I.

Hiko Wait!  I think I know a little Spanish!

Soujiro Entonces…¿puedes comprenderme?

Hiko Sí.

Soujiro Ay, ¡excelenté!  ¡Ahora, puedo hablar con todos!

Hiko Sí.

Soujiro … *raises eyebrow* …espera… ¿puedes solamente dices. "Sí"?

Hiko Sí.

Soujiro *claps a hand to his face*  Lo sabé.  Tú estás estupido.

Hiko Sí.

Okita What did he say?

Hiko *waves a hand*  Oh, he said he's fine.

Soujiro *jumps up and down furiously*  ¡Estupido!  ¡Estupido!  ¡ESTUUUPIDOOO!

Sanosuke Whew.  I'm so glad you can understand him…

Soujiro Me choca tú.

Sano *is still wrapping*

Okita *looks over at Sano and his eyes widen as he sees the tattered bandage-ribbons*  S-Sano?

Sano *looks back over at Okita, finishing off the present with a bow*  Nani?

Okita *blinks confusedly*  U-um.  Where's Shishio?

Sano Oh, he's-- *gazes around and for the first time, notices Shishio is missing*  Heyy…where –is- Shishio??

Hiko *looks around too*  Hm…I dunno.

Soujiro ¿Dónde está Señor Shishio?

*a mumble from Okita's Box O' Ribbons*

*Sano gazes at the Box O' Ribbons, and then his eyes travel to the bandaged present*

Sano Oh crap.

Voice from the box I feel naked.

Soujiro *eyes widen*  ¡¿¡¿Señor Shishio?!?!

Voice from the box Who the hell is that?!?

Okita Oh, that's…Soujiro.

*Two eyes peek out of the Box O' Ribbons and focus themselves disbelievingly on Okita*

Shishio The most important member of my Juppongatana has turned Latino.

Okita *sigh*  I think so, Shishio-san.

Soujiro ¡Ay!  ¡Yo no soy de España!

Hiko He agrees with you, Okita.

Soujiro *glares at Hiko*  Estupido.

*Shishio opens the lid of the box, gets out, and everyone winces*

Sanosuke *covering his eyes*  Cover yourself, dude!!

Sano *closing his eyes*  Agreed.

Hiko *scratching at his face*  Oi, my virgin eyes!

Hijikata *a dark and mysterious shudder*

Soujiro *whipping around*  ¡Sí!  ¡Necesita ropa, Señor Shishio!

Okita *looking down*  Um.

*Kenshin suddenly comes to, and, seeing a nekkid Shishio standing over him, lets out an ear-piercing shriek*

Shishio *rolls eyes*  God.

*Kenshin scrambles away from Shishio and hides behind Hiko*

Shishio *looks to Sano and the presents*  KISAMA!  My bandages!!

Sano *winces*  Sorry, man.

Shishio AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sano *slightly perturbed*  Hey, I said sorry, okay?!?

Kenshin *trembles behind Hiko*

Okita *raises his hands, but not raising his head*  Calm down, Shishio-san…

Shishio I will NOT calm down until you get me some new bandages…or…or SOMETHING!!!

Okita I don't have any spare bandages…  *eyes wander to the Box O' Ribbons*

Shishio *glare*  Oh no.  Nononono.  I know what you're thinking, and it's NO!

Sanosuke Do you have any better ideas, hot stuff?

Shishio ……

*An hour later.  Everyone is helping Shishio with his new "bandages"…red, green, blue, yellow, and rainbow, sparkly ribbons of all sorts are wrapped around him.  Okita finishes the wrapping job with a big, glittery bow atop his head.  Soujiro claps happily, and Hiko smiles with satisfaction.  Hijikata snickers darkly and mysteriously, while Sano and Sanosuke are exchanging funny looks*

Soujiro *bouncing*  ¡Bonito!  ¡Bonito!

Kenshin *pokes Shishio's ribbon on his head*  OOOooo…Sparklee…

Shishio *shoots an icy look at Kenshin*  You touch that again and you DIE.

Kenshin *hops away from Shishio and behind Hiko*  Skeery.

Meanwhile… 

_Aoshi is muttering darkly and mysteriously to himself, as he plods through town, and, finding a crowd huddled around a specialty cake store, pushes nonchalantly through the people to find a flustered and angry cake store owner._

Store Owner *grumble grumble*  Shinsengumi…grrr…

*Aoshi's ears perk and he looks interested…in a dark and mysterious way*

Aoshi *to store owner*  What happened here?

Store Owner *looks up from his grumbling*  Who are you?  The police?

Aoshi *looks dark and mysterious*  I run a band of undercover spies.

Store Owner *pauses*  …good enough.  Well, Mister Spy Guy…

Aoshi *twitches at the name "Spy Guy".  This man would be in a world of pain if it wasn't for the fact he had to buy a cake for Okita…*

Store Owner *continues*  …a member of the Shinsengumi came in here and just tore up my store for a cake!!

Aoshi *raises an eyebrow darkly and mysteriously*  Did this person happen to have long black hair and look suspiciously like a girl?

Store Owner *immediately begins to jump up and down excitedly*  Yes!  That's him!  Do you know who he is??

Aoshi *gazes around at the cake mix carnage, and sighs*  I don't see why Okita would…  *he pauses, realizing the short little store owner heard the above comment and is now staring angrily up at him.  Then he corrects himself—Yes, he could see why Okita would do this…*

Store Owner So!  You're in league with that…that…ill-bred troublemaker!

Aoshi *raises a finger darkly and mysteriously*  Truthfully, I just wanted another one of those cakes you so kindly gave to my bud.

Store Owner Never!  That took me a long time to find the ingredients, and force will NEVER put my voice down!  I have my rights!!

Aoshi *pulls out some dark and mysterious glasses, props them on his nose, and obtains some scrolls/documents from a random briefcase*  Actually, no you don't.  Section C, article 108 of the Meiji government…  *reads off the passage to the store owner, who is completely dumbfounded*  So, really, you have no rights.  *he grins*  Now get me a cake.

Store Owner *after a long silence*  Ummm…okay…  *staggers off into the back room, and after a long while, says*  Ummm…we're out of lactose-free ice cream.  You just want to replace it with real ice cream?

Aoshi *shrugs, as he darkly and mysteriously puts away the glasses and the paper*  Sure.  *what harm could it do?  Saitou-san probably won't know the difference, anyway…*

Meanwhile… 

_From Saitou's room, a cloud of smoke drifts.  Saitou, inside, has finished his last cigarette, and is sipping at a piña colada._

Saitou *singing to himself*  If you like piña coladas…and getting caught in the rain…if you like… *at this point, he just breaks into humming, because he can't remember the words.  With disturbing thoughts of Soujiro, Okita, and Kenshin blocked out of his mind by a cloud of smoky mist—which could definitely be something other than the cigarette tobacco—he seems to be totally relaxed.*

Saitou *reaches for a pack of cigarettes, and finds he has already smoked his three packs quota for the week^__^*  Awww…mannn!  *all of the sudden, a random Mexican pops through the window of one of Saitou's rooms*

Saitou Whuuh…?

Random Mexican Eeeey, Meeeen, check dis shiiit out!  *frantically waves about a bag of…(ahem)…for lack of better words, "special herbs."*

Saitou *sweatdrops*  Who…who are you, and where did you come from?

Random Mexican *drapes his arms around Saitou and breathes his tequila-laced breath into Saitou's face*  Ey, meen, that don' make a deeference.  Yous' and mes' hermanos!  We's all hermanos!  *burps*

Saitou *becomes suddenly UN-relaxed*  O__O;;;;;  I don't like where this is going.  *pushes random Mexican away*

Random Mexican Eeeey, meeeen, don' dooo dat!  We's hermanos, remember?!?!  I jus' came 'ere to weesh you a Hippy *hic* Birfday, and to geeeeve you some majjik powder, meeeen!  You roll one of 'dees babies up in de peeper heere, and den you light eet, like diis!  *he lights up a rolled up sheet of paper—no doubt with some "majjik powder" in it*

Saitou *blinks unbelievingly*  That's not what I think it is…is it?

Random Mexican Watchoo think eet iz, meen?  *takes a drag from the "majjik powder" cigarette and blows the smoke in Saitou's face*

Saitou *cough cough cough*  -___-;;;  I really, really, really need a smoke…  *whines pitifully as he remembers he has no more NORMAL cigarettes left*

Random Mexican Now 'es your turn, hermano!  *stuffs the rolled paper into Saitou's mouth, and on impulse, Saitou inhales—poor Saitou…*

Saitou *cough cough*  What do you think-- *eyes glaze over and he stares at the "majjik powder" cigarette*  Whao.  Why is everything so…so rainbow??

Meanwhile… 

_In the back room of Saitou's house, where everyone is—nobody seems to have gotten over the hilarity of Shishio twinkling every time he moves._

Shishio *shoots a glare at Hijikata*  Don't.  Say.  A word.

Hijikata *tries to shoot a glare back, but ends up bursting into dark and mysterious laughter*

Okita Hijikata!  Don't laugh at Shishio!  It's not his fault he had to wear that…  *looks pointedly at Sano*

Sano What?  Don't look at me!

Kenshin *looks at Sano*

Sanosuke *looks at Sano*

Hijikata *looks at Sano*

Shishio *looks at Sano*

Soujiro *looks at Sano*

Rest of Shinsengumi *looks at Sano*

Sano *snaps fingers*  Well damn!  _That_ didn't work.  *makes a point NOT to tell people, "Don't look at me!"*

Okita *blinks*  I wonder where Aoshi is?

Soujiro *puts a comforting hand on Okita*  No te preocupes, Okita.  Estoy seguro que él está corriendo aquí ahora.

Hiko He said maybe you should get drunk.

Okita *blink*  Wh-what?

Soujiro *looks infuriated*  ¡No!  ¡¡¡¡NONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!

Sanosuke *sweatdrop*  I don't think he agrees with you.

Hiko *glares at Sanosuke*  Urusai!  You're not the one who can understand Spanish!

Soujiro *jumps around*  ¡Tú no me comprendes!  ¡Tú estás…ESTUPIDO!  Estupidoestupidoestupidoestupido— *goes off into another 'estupido' rant again*

Okita *even bigger sweatdrop*  Um…I think I agree with Sanosuke.  "Estupido" doesn't sound like a good word…

Hiko *grrr*  What part of U-RU-SAI do you not understand?!?

Hijikata *a dark and mysterious raised eyebrow*

Hiko *suddenly becomes defensive*  R-really!  I understand him!

Soujiro  *looks up, and begins to scream at Hiko, banging his head on the ground*  ¡¡¡¡AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Sano *wince* Ouch.

Aoshi *walks through the back door cautiously, and sees the screaming Soujiro*  Um…did I come at a bad time?  *dark and mysterious sweatdrop*

Okita Aoshiiiiii!  Thank God!  *glomps Aoshi*

Aoshi o.o;;;  Ummm… *more sweatdrops as he attempts to keep the cake from being tuberculized again*

Soujiro ¡¡¡¡AAAAAAA *bang* AAAIIIIII *wham* IIIIEEEEEEEE *thwack* !!!!

Aoshi Um… *even more dark and mysterious sweatdrops, and he gains even MORE sweatdrops when his eyes travel to the nicely ribboned Shishio-san*  Holy sh—

Shishio *glare*  I don't even want to hear it.

Kenshin *pokes Shishio timidly*  He's skeery.

Shishio *spins around and catches Kenshin's finger, making the red-haired one scream like a girl*  Shut –up-, will you, Battousai?!?

Okita *abandons Aoshi to stop the fighting*  Oi, no fighting, okay?!  We've gone this far without—

Sanosuke  Severe mental anguish?

Soujiro *dissolves into sobs and curses in Spanish*

Sano *motions to Soujiro*  Ehm…would you call that –severe-?

Sanosuke *sweatdrop*

Okita *abandons Shishio and Kenshin to comfort Soujiro with Shinsengumi plushies*  There there, don't cry, Soujie-kun… *hug hug*

Soujiro *sob*

Okita Awww… *grabs a random Shinsengumi lollipop out of his pockets…one can only wonder how deep they go in order to carry all that Shinsengumi stuff…*  It's okay…take this… *looks at the lollipop*  Oh, never mind.  It's a Hijikata-lollipop…

Soujiro *sob*

Okita But it tastes like sake!  You'll get drunk again, and you don't want that!

Soujiro *sob*

Okita *fishes out another one, in a hurried attempt to please poor Latino Soujiro*  Okay, okay…um…here!  *sticks a Sanosuke-lollipop in Soujiro's mouth*

Soujiro ^___^ Kee.  *suddenly stops crying, and is engrossed with eating his lollipop*

Okita ^_^;;; Whew.

Shishio *glares at Okita*  Can we _please_ get this OVER with?  I would like to go home, crawl into a hole, and die of embarrassment…

Kenshin *blinks*  But then there would be no point in Rurouni Kenshin without a bad guy.

Shishio *looks at Kenshin, and sweatdrops*  Uhm.  Then can I go crawl in a hole and be mortally wounded?

Kenshin No.

Shishio Not even a little?

Kenshin No.

Shishio Pleeeeeaaassseee?

Kenshin No!

Shishio *crosses arms and looks defiant*  Fine!  Then I'll just crawl in a hole and sulk.

Kenshin *holds up a finger*  No one likes a depressed bad guy.

Shishio Aww man!  You give me no slack.  *pouts*

Sano Well, I don't know about Shishio, but I just want to go home.

Okita *sigh*  Yeah…this is about all I can take.  *claps*  Okay, then!  Aoshi, get the cake ready.  Soujiro, Sanosuke, Battousai, and the rest of you carry the presents out to the main room.  I'll get Saitou-san.  Sano… clean up around here, hm?  *smiles, and suddenly disappears out of the room*

Sano *huff*  Nani!?  Why do _I_ have to do everyth—

Kenshin *sweatdrop*  Ehem, excuse me, Sano, I must go… *runs away*

Soujiro Ay, sí.  Hasta luego.  *disappears also*

Shishio, Hiko, Hijikata, and Aoshi *back away from the Sano*

Sanosuke Oh yeah, dude…I think I hear my goldfish calling me… *sneaks away to go find his "goldfish"*

Rest of Shinsengumi RUUUN AWAAAAY!  *flees*

Sano *is alone in the empty room*  --ing?  *looks around*  Guys?  *blink*  GUYS?!  *whines*  Come on, it's no fun to complain when you guys aren't around to hear it!!!

Meanwhile… 

_Okita cautiously opens the door to Saitou's room to be greeted by a large cloud of smoke, which definitely does NOT smell like Saitou's usual… *ahem* brand of cigarettes…_

Okita Uuuh… Saitou-san?  *steps through the cloud*

_The Random Mexican Guy is gone.  In his place, a banged one is sitting on the floor, staring dubiously at the ceiling._

Okita *touches Saitou on the shoulder*  Saitou…san…?

Saitou *jumps about a foot in the air, and squeaks, then finally turns around to face Okita with wide, glassy eyes*  Whao.  Din't see you there…

Okita *a sense of horror consuming him*  Saitou…why does it smell like pot in here??

Saitou *mater-o-factly*  It's not called "pot", Oh-Ki-Tuh, it's "majjik powder."  *sways*

Okita *claps a hand to his face*  I knew it…

Saitou *pats Okita's head*  Dun worry!  I be oh-kay!  Oh-kay!  See?  *tries to get up, but falls*  @__@

Okita -__-;; C'mon, Saitou-san, I'm taking you to go get some help…  *takes a hold of Saitou's shirt, and drags him into the darkened main room.  All of the sudden, all the lights light up, and everyone screams…*

Everyone HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAITOU-SAAAN!!!

Saitou *screams, and claws at his face*  Aaaah!  The light!  It buuurns!

*Everyone pauses.*

Everyone O_O;; *sweatdrop…*

Okita -_-;; Oh, God.

Saitou *blinks until his eyes get adjusted, and stares around at everyone*  Why…why are you all here?

Soujiro Porque es tu cumpleaños, Señor Saitou.

Saitou Whuuh…?  I could have sworn he spoke English a while ago…

Soujiro -_-…

Hiko Because it's your birthday, Saitou-san!

Soujiro O__O *silence*  Did you…you…translated right?  *pauses, and then gasps*  I…I speak English!!!

Hiko I…did?  *silence*  Oh yes.  *sweatdrop*  Of course I did.  ^_^;;;

Everyone O___O *silence*

Hiko -_- Stop looking so shocked.

Sano If Hiko was translating wrong all along, what did you –really- say, Soujiro?

Soujiro *pauses, as if for a long speech, and then holds up a finger*  Eh.  It would take a long time to explain, and the fic writer wants to finish this off so she can eat her grilled cheese sandwich before it gets cold.

Fic Writer Damn straight!  I hate cold grilled cheese!

Everyone O_O;;;;; *sweeaaatdrop*

Saitou *holds his head*  Wait…a…second.  Will someone –please- tell me what's going on?!

Okita ^__^;;; I was planning a surprise birthday for you, and this was all to keep it a secret…

Saitou O________O WHAT?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

Soujiro O_o He's even angry when he's doped up…

Saitou You mean to tell me…all of this –stuff-…*points to Soujiro* YOU loving me, Bat. Tou. Sai messing with my head, and me getting high off of some random guy's majjik powder was all the result of my BIRTHDAY?!

Sanosuke Yeah, I think that pretty much covers it, not to mention we turned Soujiro Latino and Shishio into a little sparkly present.

Shishio -___- I heard that.

Saitou *faints*

Okita O__O!

Hijikata *dark and mysterious snicker*

Kenshin Well, that's it, I guess… poor Saitou…  
  


Aoshi WAIT A SECOND!  *glares*  I didn't go all the way to that stupid cake shop and deal with some insolent owner to have Saitou faint on me!  He's GOING to eat this damn cake, whether he likes it or NOT!!!!

Hijikata O.O;;

Soujiro O.O;;

Hiko O.O;;

Kenshin O.O;;

Sano O.O;;

Sanosuke O.O;;

Shishio O.O;;

Okita O.O;;

Aoshi *stomps over to Saitou, and pulls him up by the collar, then stuffs the whole cake down his throat*  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  *storms off darkly and mysteriously*

Sanosuke O__O Dear god, he's scary.

Sano T_T And no piece of cake for me.

Saitou *makes choking noises*

Okita O_O!!  Eep!  *performs the Heimlich maneuver on poor Saitou, who hurls the cake into a nearby wall*

Soujiro __ Eeew.

Sano O__O Well, so much for wanting a piece.

Okita Aaah, Saitou, are you okay?

Saitou @__@  Wheee… I'm oh-kay…

Okita Are you sure?  Does anything hurt?

Saitou No, I don't think… *suddenly breaks out into hives all over his body*  All right, I spoke too soon.

Okita O_____O

Saitou *blinks from behind the puffed up eyelids*  No one…put real milk in that cake, did they?  I'm… *looks down slightly, in an undertone*  Lactose intolerant.

Okita What?

Saitou *in a louder whisper*  …Lactose…intolerant.

Okita -What-?

Saitou I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!

Soujiro O__O  *suddenly bursts out into laughter*  Ahahahaha!  That's too great!  A wolf of Mibu, who can kill countless people—can't…drink…milk…??!

Hijikata *dark and mysterious laughter*

Sano, Hiko and Sanosuke AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Saitou -__-

Okita *holding in his laughter*  G-gomen nasai, Saitou-san…I…uh…need to go speak with Aoshi… *runs out*

Saitou -__- I hate all of you.

Hiko ^__^ Cheer up, Saitou.  Have a drink of sake, on me.  *gives Saitou a swig*

Saitou *~O__o~* Wooo…  *starry eyes*

Soujiro O__O Hiko!  Why'd you do that?!  You know drugs and alcohol shouldn't mix!

Hiko *sniff*  But sake cures everything…

Soujiro -__- Riight.

Saitou ** O___o **…more…more rainbow-ness…aah… *faints again*

*A long pause and sweatdrop from everyone in the group*

Shishio *finally claps his ribboned hands together* Well, that's the end of the party.  I'm off.  *turns to leave*

Kenshin *laughing*  Wait, you have to stay, Shishio-san!  You're one of the presents!

*Everyone bursts into gales of laughter*

Shishio -___-;;;

Soujiro *scratches head*  Gee, I hope Saitou-san doesn't remember any of this after he wakes up…

Fic Writer ^____^ That's for me to decide.

Everyone O_o;;;;; *sweatdrop*

_~owari~_

_(Happy Birthday, Saitou-saan~! ^__^)_


End file.
